A Visit from Grandma & Grandpa

Last night I had a dream. Well, not so much a dream, but a visit. My grandparents - Grandma & Grandpa Gardner - came to visit me last night. The thing is, though, they're both dead. I don't think it was a dream because in my dreams, I don't have conversations with people. I can't smell or taste things. Dreams for me are very one-dimensional. Sometimes they feel real, but they are still one-dimensional for me.

In the visit I had with my grandparents last night, they were both excited to see me and they were both completely healthy. Grandpa could walk using his legs, not prosthetics. Grandma wasn't on oxygen. They were living in their home on Sanibel Island. And I was my current self - a 36 year old single woman.

They never really knew me as an adult, having both been really ill from the time I was 21 until their deaths when I was in my mid-20s. In our conversation last night though, they both clearly knew me. They knew my hopes and dreams and even my most secret fears. They knew about the times I'd fallen short, but told me that's part of life and what's important is that we get up and dust ourselves off. They told me how proud they were of me and that they both loved me more than I ever knew. Truthfully, we had a great visit. We had a couple of drinks, Grandma enjoyed a few cigarettes, and we laughed. I don't ever remember laughing with Grandma Gardner when she was alive. In this visit, Grandma was almost a different person than she'd ever been with me. It was nice.

What made this dream or visit significant is that I've had it before. 11 1/2 years ago, the night before Grandma died, Grandpa visited me (he'd died a 18 months earlier). Knowing that Grandma and I had always had a rocky relationship, Grandpa told me that Grandma loved me and was proud of me. I think he came to me that night because he knew I was having a difficult time reconciling my feelings about her impending death. When I woke up the morning after Grandpa's visit, I was calmer and more peaceful than I'd been in days. And when Grandma died later that afternoon, I cried and was sad, but knew that she loved me the best she could. She just didn't really know how.

Grandma and Grandpa told me one more thing. They told me about my Nana's love for me and how proud she is of me. They told me that even though she couldn't say it herself anymore, I should never let go of that knowledge. They told me that I don't need to worry about letting her down because I could never do that. They knew I have been having diffuclty letting Nana go and have been balancing on eggshells the last few weeks as her physical and mental health have deteriorated. They told me that death isn't bad at all. That the after-life is a glorious place without sickness or other hardships of this world.

I wish I could say I woke up this morning feeling more peaceful and less emotional, but I didn't. In fact, the opposite is true. I know the end is near for Nana and I have to let her go, but I simply don't want to.