Dear Mother Nature,
I'm not sure why you have chosen to inflict your wrath on the helpless citizens of Chicagoland this winter, but I just have one thing to say to you: Stop Now!
We are in the midst of the 4th snowiest winter in Chicago, thanks to you, with no sign of it ending any time soon. "Dodge the Pothole" has become a daily form of entertainment, mostly resulting in a lot of expensive car repairs. Towns are out of salt to prevent ice from forming on the streets rendering the roads treacherous at all times. Snow is piled so high at the end of people's driveways, we risk our lives to pull out each morning.
And the cold. Have I mentioned the cold? Certain body parts are permanently frozen in the "on" position, it's so cold.
Sure, we saw the sun yesterday and the day before, but once every 14 days is simply not enough. And I know that right now, it's 43 degrees and raining, BUT by late this afternoon, this rain will turn to thunderstorms and then more snow! And by tomorrow, it will be in the low 20s! And Tuesday it will only be in the mid-teens! We are currently under 38 weather alerts! What gives???
What have we done, I ask you??? Is it our President? Has George pissed you off with his outright denial of global warming? Look, I'll admit to you, we don't like him either. In fact, we didn't actually elect him - you may have heard. Five men and women in bathrobes appointed him almost 8 years ago. And we're working hard to fix that mistake. But the fact is that torturing the good people of the Midwest won't get his attention. Have you seen how he reacted to Hurricane Katrina? That's right. He didn't. If he didn't get that you're pissed when you flooded the Crescent City then he's NEVER gonna get it, trust me. To be honest, I'm willing to give him back, if that will make the torture we've endured this winter go away. Yes, torture, is what I said.
Wait a minute. Are you in cahoots with chiropractors and massage therapists? They must be the only ones benefiting from all this snow. People overexert themselves everyday shoveling and see their chiropractor or massage therapist for relief. Hmmmmmmm . . . Are you getting a kickback?
On behalf of the good people of Chicago, what can we offer you that will appease your appetite of destruction? We will do anything. Well, most of us will do anything.
I beg you. Please just let this winter end. Spring Training has begun. St. Patrick's Day is 4 weeks away. Easter is a week after that. Opening Day is 45 days from now and Big Z is pitching. At some point, you have to release us from your paralyzing grip. Why not now?
We ask for forgiveness for our transgressions. Please, just tell us what we've done. And please, please release us from your wrath.
Sincerely,
The Residents of the Chicagoland Area
I don't think winter will ever end. I feel a bit like Frodo at the end of Return of the King, when he just can't make it to the top of Mt. Doom, despite having slogged through much nastiness to get there.
ReplyDeleteWhen I bought my house, I was notified that the basement got a bit of water when it rained heavily, and I could see where it leaked and could deal with it. But I learned over the weekend, what with the massive melting of the huge snow piles and the heavy rains, that there is a hidden leak, somewhere, in the room that the previous owners carpeted. Yes, carpeted. So I have been busy ripping up carpet and boards to see if I can find where the leak is. Dangit.