I know you are in shock. You had no idea this is coming. Heck, members of my family are probably unable to breath and mad as Hell that they're reading this kind of news here rather than being told by me in person. Well, deal with it. I have found Utopia and we are moving!
Are we moving to back to DC? Um, no. Florida? Nope. You'll never guess, so I'm just going to tell you.
Well, okay, honestly, I'm not exactly sure on a specific location yet, BUT I can tell you that it will be well within the borders of the 6th Congressional District in Illinois.
Why the 6th District? Well, because I learned today that in the 6th Congressional District, which is represented by Peter Roskam, "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average." Wait, no. That's Lake Wobegon. But believe me, it's an easily made mistake.
Anyway, there are no problems in the 6th District! Really! They don't have record high gas or food prices, jobs haven't been lost, there is no mortgage crisis, property taxes are low, the environment is pristine and global warming hasn't effected them, schools are excellent, the roads are in great condition, there is no crime, they are not worried about terrorism, and everyone has excellent health insurance.
How do I know this? Because Rep. Roskam is a co-sponsor of the Military Honor and Decency Act which would "forbid the sale of racy magazines and movies on Army bases around the world." That means that Playboy and any movie showing with any nudity would be banned.
According to the Sun-Times, the US already prohibits the sale of hard-core porn on military bases on U.S. bases, but this new bill is far stricter in its definition of nudity: "human genitals, pubic area, anus, anal cleft, or any part of the female breast below a horizontal line across the top of the areola with less than an opaque covering but does not include the exposure of the cleavage of the female breast exhibited by a dress, blouse, bathing suit, or other apparel."
Don't get me wrong, I'm not actually a fan of porn. But the fact is we ask our soldiers, specifically the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan, to serve is horrific conditions for months and months at a time. They obviously can't be intimate with their spouses or significant others while they are overseas. We all know how the government feels about gay sex in the military. And now Peter Roskam wants to take away the one release they have left.
Peter has done such an outstanding job preventing or eliminating all other concerns in his District that now he wants to remove soft-core porn from military troops around the world. I bet his constituents are so proud.
I hope Jill Morganthaler mops the floor with Roskam in the November election. With leadership like this, I wouldn't vote for Peter Roskam for dog catcher. He's clearly got too much time on his hands.
Oh, and no, we're not moving.
You're funny when you're bitter.
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