Casa de Rayitos Alegres Heating & Air-Conditioning Policy

In light of today's sudden arrival of Fall and Tom Skilling's forecast of upper 40's inland (meaning Arlington Heights), I thought it would be useful to dust off the (previously unpublished) Casa de Rayitos Alegres Heating & Air Conditioning Policy (I got the Spanish from Craig, my high school debate partner. He always was pretty smart.). Of course, this is not to be confused with the Little Merry Sunshine Public Appearance and Speaking Policy, which I hope you're well versed in, because it's far stricter than the Heating & Air Conditioning Policy.

The Reader's Digest Version of the Heating & Air Conditioning Policy is this: No one shall turn on the heat prior to November 1 or the air-conditioning prior to June 15.

My reasons are simple, straightforward, and entirely cheap. Heat and air-conditioning are expensive and I refuse to pay Nicor or ComEd any more money than I absolutely have to.

More specifically, with regards to the heat, come February, we'll all be running around Chicago in shorts and flip-flops when it hits 45 and half-naked when the mercury rises to 65. It is ridiculous to think that simply because we're all currently accustomed to 95 degrees and 100% humidity that we might freeze to death at 48. Layer up, people. Even as I type this, I've traded in my capris, t-shirt, and flip-flops for cozy blue fleece pj's and slippers with the windows open so I can feel the breeze. I'll probably pull out an extra blanket tonight and I advise you to do the same.

Our ancestors didn't have air conditioning or heat. You know what they did to keep warm in the winter? They snuggled with the nearest person. Fine advice, if you ask me. Speaking of which, I'm taking applications for a Snuggle Buddy this winter. Seriously. Want to apply? Email or text message me. There will be interviews.

At the other end of the thermometer, there is no earthly reason to flip on the AC in May. So it hits 90 one day. Big deal. It's one day. The next day it will be 69 again (if we're lucky). Put on a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, pour yourself an icy beverage, and turn on a ceiling fan. If you're still too hot at night, sleep naked and put an ice pak (wrapped in a towel) at your feet in bed. Oh, and close the blinds on the west and south sides of your house to keep the sun from heating up your house and prevent the neighbors from seeing your nekid ass running around all night with the lights on. Enjoy the breeze and remember how we suffer all winter long.

In summary, there is no reason to send Nicor extra money because you have it within your power to stay warm on your own (or with a buddy). But if you have a deep-seated desire to just hand out money unnecessarily, I'll be happy to send you my address.

Oh, and make sure that before you flip on the heat you have your furnace checked and you have a working carbon monoxide detector. I highly recommend Douglas Heating & Air Conditioning if you're anywhere near Arlington Heights. I LOVE them. Use my name. Not Little Merry Sunshine, but my real name.

New Little Merry Sunshine Public Appearance & Speaking Policy

It came to my attention today that I've been grossly under-compensated for my highly sought after public appearances. It seems that the most super patriotic, ordinary, down-to-earth, and low-maintenance women speakers, like me, receive some perks that I have not been receiving.

Therefore, effective immediately, Little Merry Sunshine's Public Appearance and Speaking Policy has been revised.

Transportation: Little Merry Sunshine only travels via first-class commercial jumbo jet or private plane. When traveling first-class, four round-trip, side-by-side first-class tickets must be purchased. One for Little Merry Sunshine, one for her security guard, and one each for Betsey and Ross. They do not travel under the seat or in the belly of a plane. Obviously, you will be responsible for any luggage fees for both checked and carry-on baggage or other incidentals (e.g., tips, etc.). Additionally, Little Merry Sunshine requires four additional coach class tickets for her hair stylist and massage therapist and any additional traveling companions (read: groupies).

When traveling via private plane, Little Merry Sunshine insists on flying only Lear 60 planes (or larger) or Hawker 800 planes (or larger).

Little Merry Sunshine must insist on having only single, sexy, shirtless, male pilots and flight attendants on both private planes and commercial flights. She is certain there is a safety reason for this, although it escapes her at the moment.

Ground transportation will be provided via black SUVs with tinted windows. Little Merry Sunshine does not want the riff-raff to be able to see her. Again, the driver must by single, sexy, shirtless, and male.

Drivers and pilots must be at Little Merry Sunshine's beck and call 24/7 and able to transport her anywhere at a moment's notice. No questions asked.

Little Merry Sunshine reserves the right to dismiss pilots, flight attendants, and/or drivers at a moment's notice and for no reason whatsoever, so back-ups must always be available. Little Merry Sunshine also reserves the right to change the departure and return cities at her discretion and without warning.

Accommodations: Little Merry Sunshine only stays on the penthouse floor of 5-star hotels. If your city does not have a 5-star hotel, Little Merry Sunshine recommends you move your function to the nearest city with a 5-star hotel, but reminds you that your event participants must not stay at LMS's hotel. Her suite must be west facing with no obstructing view for sunset watching. Obviously, these hotels must be pet friendly. The penthouse must be fully stocked with chilled Diet Coke, shaved ice, Watervale Cracked-Wheat Bread, bottled water, Absolut Ruby Red, cranberry juice, tortilla chips, hummus and oatmeal from Raw and multi-colored bendy straws. Because Little Merry Sunshine is concerned with germs, all items must be restocked and fresh daily. Little Merry Sunshine requires a never slept-on king-size Tempur-pedic mattress and foundation, heated mattress pad, 1600 count Egyptian Cotton sheets and Hello Kitty pillow cases (also 1600-count Egyptian Cotton), changed daily.

Little Merry Sunshine is not a morning person, but the transition from sleep to wakefulness is eased by the sweet sounds of Keith Urban, James Taylor or Jimmy Buffett . . . live. Recordings will not be accepted. A song list will be provided. Little Merry Sunshine will not tolerate alarm clocks.

With regards to Betsey and Ross, they require two litter boxes with Fresh Step scoopable litter, scooped hourly and changed daily. They only eat Purina One Sensitive Systems dry cat food, which must be served 1/3 cup at a time, but the bottom of the bowl must never be visible, per Betsey.

To avoid the paparazzi and other low-lifes, Little Merry Sunshine will provide you with her pseudonym 30 days prior to her arrival and insists it be used on all reservations.

Miscellaneous: Little Merry Sunshine does not do autographs, pictures, or spend time with anyone not previously vetted by Secret Service and personally approved by Little Merry Sunshine. Little Merry Sunshine has very reasonable speaking fees, comensurate with her talents, but if you have to ask what they are, you obviously cannot afford them. No recording of Little Merry Sunshine speeches will be allowed and all cell phones and other recording devices must be confiscated and destroyed in advance. All aspects of the Public Appearance and Speaking Contract with Little Merry Sunshine must be kept entirely confidential and all written communications regarding negotiations must be shredded. Little Merry Sunshine requires universally flattering and slimming lighting, an oak podium (not that cheap particle board made to look like oak) or a skirted table with a plush ergonomic chair (no folding chairs) and an introduction given by someone not nearly as beautiful or smart as Little Merry Sunshine (Sarah Palin?). All marketing and advertising materials must be pre-approved by Little Merry Sunshine no less than 45 days before LMS's appearance.

Obviously, Little Merry Sunshine will need to thoroughly vet your organization and will require certain information about your needs to ensure they meet her high standards. All requested information must be provided no less than 45 days prior to LMS's possible appearance.

Little Merry Sunshine will be happy to resume her Public Appearance and Speaking schedule once she receives confirmation that these new policies have been followed. Thank you for your cooperation.

Little Merry Sunshine is Now a Front-Hug Free Zone

I had no idea what a sinner I am with my front hugs, which I'll admit I like. Effective immediately, Little Merry Sunshine is repenting and there will be no "front-hugging" allowed at Little Merry Sunshine.




The Side-Hug: Youth Group Puts Down Sinful "Front-Hugs" With Rap
Dan Abramson, Huffington Post, November 24, 2009

Christian youth groups finally have an alternative to normal, aka "front," hugs. As we all know, face to face embraces run the horrific risk of a clothed crotch graze. The Christian Side-Hug (or the CSH, as the kids call it) rids us of sin, as the only below the belt contact will be some good old-fashioned hip on hip action.

To help the side-hug fad sweep the nation, let us present this hardcore rap song. Yup, side-hugging has hit the streets. The group has as many emcees as the Wu-Tang Clan and as much power as a barbershop quartet.

Look out for the ominous sirens blasting on the track. Clearly, these are gangsters on the run from the law - probably from side-hugging up a storm! One emcee (wearing his bandanna 2pac-style no less) admits to taking part in the forbidden front-hug. But don't worry, God. He's married.

At the end, they all simulate getting shot and dying. We can only hope there are side-hugs in heaven.

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For more on the Christian Side-Hug, see what the Washington City Paper and Mother Jones have to say.