It came to my attention today that I've been grossly under-compensated for my highly sought after public appearances. It seems that the most super patriotic, ordinary, down-to-earth, and low-maintenance women speakers, like me, receive some perks that I have not been receiving.
Therefore, effective immediately, Little Merry Sunshine's Public Appearance and Speaking Policy has been revised.
Transportation: Little Merry Sunshine only travels via first-class commercial jumbo jet or private plane. When traveling first-class, four round-trip, side-by-side first-class tickets must be purchased. One for Little Merry Sunshine, one for her security guard, and one each for Betsey and Ross. They do not travel under the seat or in the belly of a plane. Obviously, you will be responsible for any luggage fees for both checked and carry-on baggage or other incidentals (e.g., tips, etc.). Additionally, Little Merry Sunshine requires four additional coach class tickets for her hair stylist and massage therapist and any additional traveling companions (read: groupies).
When traveling via private plane, Little Merry Sunshine insists on flying only Lear 60 planes (or larger) or Hawker 800 planes (or larger).
Little Merry Sunshine must insist on having only single, sexy, shirtless, male pilots and flight attendants on both private planes and commercial flights. She is certain there is a safety reason for this, although it escapes her at the moment.
Ground transportation will be provided via black SUVs with tinted windows. Little Merry Sunshine does not want the riff-raff to be able to see her. Again, the driver must by single, sexy, shirtless, and male.
Drivers and pilots must be at Little Merry Sunshine's beck and call 24/7 and able to transport her anywhere at a moment's notice. No questions asked.
Little Merry Sunshine reserves the right to dismiss pilots, flight attendants, and/or drivers at a moment's notice and for no reason whatsoever, so back-ups must always be available. Little Merry Sunshine also reserves the right to change the departure and return cities at her discretion and without warning.
Accommodations: Little Merry Sunshine only stays on the penthouse floor of 5-star hotels. If your city does not have a 5-star hotel, Little Merry Sunshine recommends you move your function to the nearest city with a 5-star hotel, but reminds you that your event participants must not stay at LMS's hotel. Her suite must be west facing with no obstructing view for sunset watching. Obviously, these hotels must be pet friendly. The penthouse must be fully stocked with chilled Diet Coke, shaved ice, Watervale Cracked-Wheat Bread, bottled water, Absolut Ruby Red, cranberry juice, tortilla chips, hummus and oatmeal from Raw and multi-colored bendy straws. Because Little Merry Sunshine is concerned with germs, all items must be restocked and fresh daily. Little Merry Sunshine requires a never slept-on king-size Tempur-pedic mattress and foundation, heated mattress pad, 1600 count Egyptian Cotton sheets and Hello Kitty pillow cases (also 1600-count Egyptian Cotton), changed daily.
Little Merry Sunshine is not a morning person, but the transition from sleep to wakefulness is eased by the sweet sounds of Keith Urban, James Taylor or Jimmy Buffett . . . live. Recordings will not be accepted. A song list will be provided. Little Merry Sunshine will not tolerate alarm clocks.
With regards to Betsey and Ross, they require two litter boxes with Fresh Step scoopable litter, scooped hourly and changed daily. They only eat Purina One Sensitive Systems dry cat food, which must be served 1/3 cup at a time, but the bottom of the bowl must never be visible, per Betsey.
To avoid the paparazzi and other low-lifes, Little Merry Sunshine will provide you with her pseudonym 30 days prior to her arrival and insists it be used on all reservations.
Miscellaneous: Little Merry Sunshine does not do autographs, pictures, or spend time with anyone not previously vetted by Secret Service and personally approved by Little Merry Sunshine. Little Merry Sunshine has very reasonable speaking fees, comensurate with her talents, but if you have to ask what they are, you obviously cannot afford them. No recording of Little Merry Sunshine speeches will be allowed and all cell phones and other recording devices must be confiscated and destroyed in advance. All aspects of the Public Appearance and Speaking Contract with Little Merry Sunshine must be kept entirely confidential and all written communications regarding negotiations must be shredded. Little Merry Sunshine requires universally flattering and slimming lighting, an oak podium (not that cheap particle board made to look like oak) or a skirted table with a plush ergonomic chair (no folding chairs) and an introduction given by someone not nearly as beautiful or smart as Little Merry Sunshine (Sarah Palin?). All marketing and advertising materials must be pre-approved by Little Merry Sunshine no less than 45 days before LMS's appearance.
Obviously, Little Merry Sunshine will need to thoroughly vet your organization and will require certain information about your needs to ensure they meet her high standards. All requested information must be provided no less than 45 days prior to LMS's possible appearance.
Little Merry Sunshine will be happy to resume her Public Appearance and Speaking schedule once she receives confirmation that these new policies have been followed. Thank you for your cooperation.