I know it's been many years since I've written you a letter at Christmas. Usually, my desires at Christmas are so mundane that I don't want to waste your time. But this year is different. You see, Santa, I'm looking for a very specific gift this year that I think only you can deliver. No, I'm not looking for an Hannah Montana tickets or even Barbie's Dream House. This year I want a Man. Yes, Santa, I know I just said I want a Man. A real live Man.
He should be single meaning not currently married, in a relationship, or in the midst of breaking up. I'd like him to be emotionally mature and available with all working parts. I hope he takes care of himself to ensure he will be around for many years. I don't want a model that breaks down after playing with him just a couple of times. Ideally he will date between 1965 and 1975. And while this probably goes without saying, he should be straight.
Beyond that, I'm not terribly picky. The reason I'm coming to you Santa is because I've dated some men in the past who were ok. But the Man I'm specifically asking you for is an extraordinary model. He's the rare kind whose actions speak as loudly as his words, who lives by the Golden Rule, who deserves me, and is not tied down by his past.
I'm not trying to be arrogant here, Santa. I realize that I have my flaws and that no one is perfect. But I think that when the Elves pull out their records, you'll see just how good I've been. I treat others the way I want to be treated, I stand by my commitments, have never cheated on anyone, don't do any illegal drugs (never have), love my family, and do charity work. I'm also taking better care of myself because I deserve to have the healthiest body I can have.
Santa, I know you're busy. And this is a most unusual request. But given the magic of the Christmas season and all the other much more difficult requests you've got to fill (e.g., Hannah Montana tickets), I'm sure you can handle this. Frankly, if anyone can fulfill my Christmas Wish, Santa, you're the only Man who can.
Please don't feel you have to wait until Christmas morning to deliver my Man. If you find him sooner, please feel free to deliver him early. Of course, I can't make any promises about waiting until December 25th to unwrap him. I'm good, Santa, but even I'm not THAT good.
P.S. I'm really over that whole Easy Bake Oven debacle from when I was 5. I forgive you. And I promise to never mention it again.