You may have heard . . . my Nana died. Almost 3 weeks ago. It seems like a lifetime ago right now. BND and AND . . . Before Nana Died and After Nana Died. The world kind of seems to have stopped.
Since her passing on July 12th, I've been to Florida, Texas, Mississippi, back to Texas, and finally home. I was in Florida and Mississippi for the Celebration of Life services and burial of Nana and I was in Texas (the first time) so I could go to Mississippi (more on that in another post) and the second time for the annual Mary Kay Seminar. I've been back in Chicago since Saturday night and am feeling like I'm just going through the motions.
I've started multiple blog posts, but none of the topics really excite me. I couldn't even write about Sarah Palin quitting on July 26th! I've started to write thank you notes, but writing them makes Nana's death entirely too real and permanent to me. I've worked some, but feel like I'm not really in a place where I can make other people feel pampered. I've gotten one really good night of sleep, but the rest have been hit or miss.
Yes, I've put on a pretty face when I've needed to this week. Last week it was easy - I didn't have one moment alone and believe me, Disneyland's got nothing in comparison to a Mary Kay Seminar when it comes to being the Happiest Place On Earth (TM). I've hung out with and talked to a couple friends and I've seemed okay.
Until today. Today I've pretty much been a mess of tears. I thought the tears were gone. I thought that when I left Batesville I was done crying. I thought I would get back to Chicago and easily jump right back into my routine with both feet. I thought that having a B.A. in Psychology and having read On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross would have prepared me. I thought that having already buried two grandparents and a cousin when we were kids would have made this easier.
Everyone keeps telling me I need to find a grief support group because I won't just magically be done grieving. I've actually done some searching, but all I've done is talked to voice mail and, in the one instance I spoke to someone, learned that I can't join a group until September. That seems strange to me. As I said to the woman on the phone, I didn't realize I had to schedule grief. I don't think she thought I was funny and I wasn't trying to be. I just didn't understand that these things were done in series and you couldn't just start going, but had to commit to an entire series and start when the series started. I'll keep searching because too many people have told me going to a grief counseling group will make it all better.
Maybe now that I've written about how difficult this is, it will get easier. Maybe it's like anything else: the first step is admitting I've got a problem. I hope so. I miss feeling like me and I hate feeling like I'm MIA in plain sight and on LMS.