Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Voters Have Spoken

It appears that today's voter turnout was somewhere near 30%.

You had your choice and you spoke loud and clear. By not voting, approximately 70% of you clearly said you wanted me to become your Supreme Dictator. And I accept. In anticipation that this would be your decision, over the weekend, I hired my Chief of Staff. I just hope he's up for the challenge.

Now that I'm in charge, let's talk about how things will change.

First, since you obviously don't care to have your voices heard, we will still have elections and still be a Democracy, but only in the sense that elections will now all be non-binding until I approve the results (or not).

Second, we will no longer engage in war. It's silly and no one wins, except Halliburton. International disputes will now be settled through a rigorous rock-paper-scissors best 2 out of 3 tournament. If that doesn't work, I will simply decide who wins and that will be that.

Third, professional athletes will no longer be considered "heroes" or "role models" and will no longer be paid more than the gross national product of some foreign countries. Teachers, firefighters, and police officers are now the most revered members of our society and will be paid accordingly.

Fourth, you are free to practice any religion you wish, but please don't run around telling everyone what a good [insert name of religion here] you are. Remember that less is more and let people see your devoutness through your actions, not your words.

Fifth, because I believe quality, affordable health care is a right, not a privilege, everyone will now be eligible for universal health care. We will pay for it through the savings from the elimination of war. Sorry, for-profit health insurance companies, you are dismissed. We've got a nice exit packet here that includes information on job training programs so you can become useful members of society. Oh, and we'll need your id badges back. Thanks.

Sixth, abortion will remain safe and legal, but will become rare because birth control will be free. Women will always know that they, and they alone, maintain control over their bodies. Please don't take this to mean I'm "pro abortion" because I'm not. As I've previously stated, I am not a fan of abortion, so if you don't like abortion, you don't ever need to have one. The bottom line is that I trust women to do what's right for them.

Seventh, our major national holiday will be my birthday. It's June 16th. Fireworks will be involved.

Eighth, DADT and DOMA have been overturned. Finally, everyone shares equal rights. It's about time.

Ninth, there will be an entire tv channel devoted to running The West Wing re-runs 24/7.

Tenth, we will keep the Constitution, Bill of Rights and the rest of the Amendments, although they will be modified to reflect the above changes. Guns, of course, will remain legal, but the cost of ammunition will be taxed higher than cigarettes and alcohol.

Eleventh, in order to keep them in touch with reality and make them more humane, all CEOs will be required to spend 2 weeks each year performing the lowest level jobs in their companies. See Undercover Boss (and here) for more information.

Finally, twelth, there will be absolutely no complaining allowed. Your voice was your vote and you chose not to exercise it.

Thank you again for your trust in me to do what's right for you.

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