You may have heard the rumor: Little Merry Sunshine is turning 40 on June 16th (exactly one month from today). Much to my surprise, the rumor is, in fact, true. Our crack team of investigators has thoroughly researched the matter. They spoke to my parents, reviewed my birth certificate, looked at birth announcements in the paper, and even used a Ouija board to communicate with three of my late grandparents (the fourth having no knowledge of my existence because he died before I was born). Still in disbelief, we hired Donald Trump and his highly paid investigators (as opposed to our typical investigators who go by the names Betsey and Ross) to look into the matter.
Since I am actually turning 40, I believe the day should be celebrated in style and with the grandest gifts ever. And I've taken the luxury of providing you with a list of acceptable gifts. Stick to these and you won't go wrong.
Let's talk about the party location first though. I recommend Lichtenstein. Yes, as in the country of. Lichtenstein can be rented for a mere $70,000 per night. That doesn't include transportation to get there, but I'm sure that's just a minor expense. Please pay attention to the details here: make sure to rename the streets in my honor and issue money with my face on the bills. Oh, we'll have to make it a two night party because they rent the country for a minimum of two days.
Onto the gifts...
Cubs Fantasy Camp
It's no secret I'm a Cubs fan. In fact, pitcher Kerry Wood and I share a birthday. Do you know what every lifelong Cubs fan fantasizes about? Well, aside from the Cubs winning the World Series, we fantasize about playing for the Cubs. And thanks to the Cubs Fantasy Camp, one of my dreams can come true! Fantasy Camp includes a signed one-day contract to play with Manager Jim Hendry, batting practice with Cubs greats, live play on the diamond with a Cubs Legend as my coach, and many more perks. The 2011 Fantasy Camp was a mere $4,500, but I'm not sure what the fee for the 2012 Camp will be. I know it sounds like a lot, but it includes an overnight stay at The Westin Michigan Avenue Chicago. See? Such a deal.
Diamond and Gold Stilettos
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then diamond stilettos, must be a girl's BFF. Well, they'd be my BFF. Without a doubt, my feet will look beyond sexy in the Eternal Borgezie Diamond Stiletto. For just about $165,000, you can keep me in high fashion for the rest of my life. What makes a pair of shoes worth $165,000? Glad you asked. They include 2,200 brilliant cut diamonds, totaling 30 carats and are handcrafted from solid gold. They even come with a 1,000 year warranty! Plus, I'm willing to spring for the weekly pedicures that will be necessary to keep my feet in tip-top shape for these shoes. I'm worth $165,000 right? I wear a size 8.
Afternoon Tea at Cliveden House in Berkshire
What could be better than capping off an afternoon in the British countryside than with a proper English tea? Afternoon Tea at The Cliveden House includes white truffles, Beluga Caviar, and Da Hong Pao Tea (a rare tea made from 1,000 year old plants), among other delicacies. We'll wash this all down with a glass of "the king of champagnes," Dom Perignon Rose. Considering the other gifts I'd like, Afternoon Tea at Cliveden House is a bargain at $900 per couple, but you'll have to get us to Great Britain too.
Ferris Bueller House or Home Alone House
It just so happens that both of these amazing homes are for sale at the moment. Coincidence? No way. The Home Alone house in Winnetka, complete with the staircase Macauley Culkin sleded down, is $2.4million. The Ferris Bueller house, located in one of Highland Park's ravines, is just $1.65million and is ideal for my budget-conscious friends (it was for sale for $2.3 million in 2009), but does not include Cameron Frye's dad's "Ferrari" (because it was up for sale a year ago and I'm assuming it was sold - maybe to someone who bought it as a 40th birthday gift for me?).