Funny Funny Kids

picture from Amazon.com

Are you old enough to remember Art Linkletter's House Party and the segment "Kids Say the Darndest Things"? Somehow, just letting kids be kids, they said the absolute funniest things. Although I never saw it as a kid (I'm not that old), my mom had a book of the same name and to this day, I love to sit down with it and have a great chuckle. If you've never seen Art's terrific show, I hope you'll enjoy this tribute video. (ignore the clock at the beginning)

My absolute favorite was the little girl who described her perfect man (who was a mix of a sugar daddy who let her have 22 kids and never put up a fight) and then said she wanted to be a nun when she grew up.

The fact is that this never changes. 50 years later, kids simply say the darndest and funniest things when we give them the chance.

You'll recall the story of Dave asking our Dad if he could have Herpes when he was about 8. Although I guess the funniest part of that story is our Mom's explanation of Herpes. If you haven't read the story, go read it. You'll have a great laugh.

Today I found a wonderful collection of kid-isms that I am confident you'll enjoy. Do your kids say wonderfully funny things? Feel free to share them in the comments.

"My Daddy Had A Hysterectomy" And Fun Other Things Kids Say
by the editors at ParentDish, Apr. 7, 2010

Sometimes shocking, at times embarrassing and almost always hilarious, we're never quite sure what's going to come out of our kids' mouths. ParentDish asked parents who contribute to Seed.com, AOL's Web site for freelance writers and photographers, to share the best sound bites they've heard from the younger generation.

Here are some of the howlers.

Debby Hall:

1. "My Daddy has to have a hysterectomy." (He was having hemmorhoid surgery.)

2. "Boys have a penis and girls have a china."

3. "When I die, I want to live with Jesus in his apartment."

4. "My teacher is old. She's the same as you."

5. "I love Gammy because she smells like the old days."

6. "My mom has striped hair." (Her mother has a weave in her hair.)

7. "I can have two childs because I have two testicles"

8. " Mommy, did you know that your underwear won't flush down the toilet?"

9. "When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep"

10. "I like those lines on your face."

Kelsey G. Price:

1. "Mommy, Daddy's boss is a moron! That's what Daddy said!"

2. "Hello, 911? Hi, cop lady!"

3. "The teacher said I have listening problems, but I think she has problems teaching."

4. "Can I have this toy? It only costs five easy payments of $39.95."

5. "My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow's homework too."

6. "Mommy, please get off the phone, and wipe my butt!"

7. "I just wanted to see how much toilet paper would actually fit in the toilet."

8. "Hey, Dad, can you help me with my advanced mathematical scientific equations worksheet?" (This is for fifth grade?)

9. "Can I borrow the car tonight? I promise I won't hit anybody. Again."

10. "How does Santa Claus fit through the chimney? He's too fat!"


Suzanne Chalma Olive Hansen:

1. "Nana, I smell something ... I (leaning closer) think it's you."

2. "Mom, what happened to Bridget's penis? Did you leave it in your tummy?"

3. "Mommy, can I push the button on your butt?"

4. "At Sunday school I learned that God named all the animals and you know what? He got them all right!"

5. "Mom, I can't go to school today, I have the hiccups. And if I go to school with the hiccups, then all my friends will get the hiccups!

6. "Mama, how many times do I have to tell you that it's not my fault if I don't learn anything? It's the school's problem if they're not going to teach me anything!"

7. "Mom, if you let me watch TV, I will give you 10,000 bucks and a million kisses. I will EVEN give you 4,010 million hugs too, and I will tell you some jokes. How about that?"

8. "Oh, it is not human, Mom, it is a bird!" (After being told it's humid outside.)


Kelly Brooks-Bay:

1. "You are not the Easter Bunny because you smell funny and I can see your real hair coming out of your bunny head."

2. "Mommy, if those trees are naked, how come I can't see their butts."

3. "Everything is for sale, even my mom if the price is right, that is what daddy said."

4. "My face is ruined. How will I ever be chosen for American Idol? Simon will think I am hideous." (After a tiny scratch on her face.)

5. "Could I bleed to death?" (from a little girl being told about menstrual cycles.)

6. "You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch."

7. "Mom, I am feeding the bushes -- like Daddy did last night." (You can imagine what she was doing.)

8. "You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher."

9. "Do you think my mom would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and sent them to China?"

10. "I can always tell when my teacher is mad. She gets real loud, turns red and doesn't blink."

Karyn Howard:

1. "You don't look anything like Commander Rabb on JAG. My mommy says he's hot." (Said to a gentleman in the Navy wearing his dress blues.)

2. "Wow, Grandma, my mommy said if your butt gets any bigger, you will have to put a wide load sign on it"

3. "Oh, yit!"

4. "Boy, your house smells funny. You should buy some air fresheners."

5. "My baby brother has a tiny wiggle. Mine is medium, but you should see my dad's. It's ginormous!"

6. "Can we say a prayer for my mommy? She couldn't come to church today because she had a operation so she won't have any more babies."

7. "I didn't know ladies could have a mustache. Cool!"

8. "Excuse me sir, when you toot, you are supposed to say excuse, and it's gross to do it in my face."

9. "Can you send help? My baby brother is choking, and my mommy is beating on him." (to a 911 dispatcher.)