Friday, September 3, 2010

Casa de Rayitos Alegres Heating & Air-Conditioning Policy

In light of today's sudden arrival of Fall and Tom Skilling's forecast of upper 40's inland (meaning Arlington Heights), I thought it would be useful to dust off the (previously unpublished) Casa de Rayitos Alegres Heating & Air Conditioning Policy (I got the Spanish from Craig, my high school debate partner. He always was pretty smart.). Of course, this is not to be confused with the Little Merry Sunshine Public Appearance and Speaking Policy, which I hope you're well versed in, because it's far stricter than the Heating & Air Conditioning Policy.

The Reader's Digest Version of the Heating & Air Conditioning Policy is this: No one shall turn on the heat prior to November 1 or the air-conditioning prior to June 15.

My reasons are simple, straightforward, and entirely cheap. Heat and air-conditioning are expensive and I refuse to pay Nicor or ComEd any more money than I absolutely have to.

More specifically, with regards to the heat, come February, we'll all be running around Chicago in shorts and flip-flops when it hits 45 and half-naked when the mercury rises to 65. It is ridiculous to think that simply because we're all currently accustomed to 95 degrees and 100% humidity that we might freeze to death at 48. Layer up, people. Even as I type this, I've traded in my capris, t-shirt, and flip-flops for cozy blue fleece pj's and slippers with the windows open so I can feel the breeze. I'll probably pull out an extra blanket tonight and I advise you to do the same.

Our ancestors didn't have air conditioning or heat. You know what they did to keep warm in the winter? They snuggled with the nearest person. Fine advice, if you ask me. Speaking of which, I'm taking applications for a Snuggle Buddy this winter. Seriously. Want to apply? Email or text message me. There will be interviews.

At the other end of the thermometer, there is no earthly reason to flip on the AC in May. So it hits 90 one day. Big deal. It's one day. The next day it will be 69 again (if we're lucky). Put on a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, pour yourself an icy beverage, and turn on a ceiling fan. If you're still too hot at night, sleep naked and put an ice pak (wrapped in a towel) at your feet in bed. Oh, and close the blinds on the west and south sides of your house to keep the sun from heating up your house and prevent the neighbors from seeing your nekid ass running around all night with the lights on. Enjoy the breeze and remember how we suffer all winter long.

In summary, there is no reason to send Nicor extra money because you have it within your power to stay warm on your own (or with a buddy). But if you have a deep-seated desire to just hand out money unnecessarily, I'll be happy to send you my address.

Oh, and make sure that before you flip on the heat you have your furnace checked and you have a working carbon monoxide detector. I highly recommend Douglas Heating & Air Conditioning if you're anywhere near Arlington Heights. I LOVE them. Use my name. Not Little Merry Sunshine, but my real name.

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