Thanks Bank of America!

I so wish I'd thought of this, but I didn't. I have plenty of reasons to dislike Bank of America, so I found this absolutely hysterical. It's funny because, well, there's a good amount of truth to it. The good folks at Funny or Die nailed it again.

Thanks, Bank of America! - watch more funny videos

Sometimes Adults Say The Darndest Things

Do you remember Art Linkletter's Kids Say The Darndest Things? If you're over a certain age, I'm sure you do.

Well, it seems that sometimes adults say the darndest things as well. Take this clip from a recent episode of Family Feud.



Try to be a grown up and not let your morning coffee come flying out of your nose. As always, if you read LMS via email, visit the website and watch the video.

Be Still My Heart: President Obama on The Daily Show

My wisest friend once said to me, "Jess, politics is your porn." He's never been more right about anything. I also think Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are two of the funniest and smartest guys on television. What makes them funny is that they speak the truth, because they're comedians they get away with saying things most journalists can't, and in order to fully appreciate them you need to be familiar with what's going on in the world. So their shows are funny and smart; the perfect aphrodisiac.

So imagine how thrilling it was to watch Jon Stewart interview President Obama last night. I'd been waiting for those 30 minutes all day.

In case you missed it, sit tight for 22 minutes (you don't have to suffer through commercials) and be prepared to laugh and see the President grilled harder than most of the MSM grills him.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Barack Obama Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Barack Obama Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Barack Obama Pt. 3
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Let's Keep the President Waiting
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

Let's Talk About Sext, Baby . . .

The other morning, I walked out of a very early morning meeting and picked up my cell phone to make a call. To my surprise, I had about 5 or 6 text messages from my friend Sam (all names have been changed to protect the guilty). It's not that it's unusual to receive texts from Sam; in fact, we text all the time. But this was 5 or 6 messages and it was barely 9am. Surely there was something urgent happening.

Much to my surprise, the messages were neither urgent nor of the G-rated variety we usually send each other. Below is a partial transcript and my thoughts in italics.

Sam: Morning Sexy! (Well, isn't this a nice treat. No one has called me sexy in a LONG time. This is going to be a good day after all.)
Sam: Thank you so much for last night. I can't remember the last time I felt so close to you. (Hmmmmm. We talked last night, but I think it was about some play we both want to see.)
Sam: I called Walter and he's game for getting together Friday night. (AWESOME! I haven't seen Walter in ages, but we didn't talk about getting together on Friday night and I've got some big Saturday plans so it can't be a late night.)
Sam: He said he can't wait to be with us. He's had the same threesome fantasy about us for years. (What the Hell? We've NEVER talked about having a threesome because neither you nor Walter like girls! Oh, shit! These aren't texts! You are SEXTING me, but you think you're sexting your boyfriend! How can I have fun with this???)

So I immediately called Sam who had yet to realize the error of his ways. I told him how much I enjoyed our conversation the prior evening and how I'd never felt closer to him. I really appreciated that I can always count on him to be one of my dearest friends and had been thinking that we should get together on Friday for a threesome.

There was silence on the other end of the phone, followed by a great deal of stuttering. Although I was at the other end of the phone line in Arlington Heights and he was in Chicago, I could feel the heat radiating from his now bright red cheeks. He knew I knew some of his most intimate secrets. Fortunately, Sam doesn't really embarrass very easily and we both had a good laugh.

But there's an important life lesson here: Always always always make sure that when you're sending intimate text messages that you send them to the right person.

Sending flirty sexy messages is fun and can add some spice to a relationship, but you must be careful. Sexting your boss (or your employee) when you mean to sext your girlfriend could get you fired. Sexting your kid when you mean to sext your hubby could force a miserably uncomfortable conversation.

Apologies to Salt N Pepa for my horrible pun using the title of their popular song.

NSFW: "It's 3G. And Has The WiFi's . . ."

On Saturday night, I had a small dinner party with two of my dearest friends and a new friend, who is very quickly becoming one of our little group. Somehow the party turned into a battle of the coolest smart phones - one had an iPhone 2G, another had the Droid X, and the third friend had the new HTC Evo by Sprint.

I was immediately disqualified because although I really like my phone and it's sort of smart, it's no where near as cool or as smart as theirs. Seriously, watching these guys compare their phones waslike watching them brag about their virility. I don't remember the last time I saw so much testosterone.

Before the other two arrived, the owner of the HTC Evo by Sprint shared the video below with me because I am also on the Sprint network and he knows I've been thinking about whether to get the Evo or the iPhone when my contract runs out in December. Let me be honest, it was all I could do not to spit wine out my nose and wet my pants. Luckily, I do my Kegels.

In the course of the phone comparisons, the video was shown again and even now, I still laugh hysterically when I think about it. I sent it to another friend overnight and he sent me a text this morning saying "that was the funniest thing I have seen in awhile." I dare you not to laugh out loud.

WARNING: Do not watch this at work or around children or others with sensitivity to 4-letter words.



It turns out the backstory is just as entertaining. Even though you wouldn't know it, the video was created by an employee of Best Buy. Although it doesn't mention Best Buy, Best Buy tried to get their employee to remove the video. He refused because he doesn't mention his employer, but they suspended him and tried to fire him. In the end, they let him keep his job (interestingly, it was after the media got involved and their name was plastered everywhere), but he's got other job offers, including one from Gizmodo.

NOTE: If you read LMS via email and the videos don't come through, take a minute to visit the blog and watch the video. It may just be the funniest part of your day.

Superman Gets Detentions?

Let me just state upfront that I know that when Dave gets wind of this post (which may take a little while because despite having been the 8th fan of Little Merry Sunshine on Facebook, he does not actually read Little Merry Sunshine with any regularity), he will probably kill me, but this story is just too good not to share. It's even possible that it's better than the famous Herpes Story (which I've now brought up twice in two days).

When Dave was little (3 years old or so to . . . ), he was obsessed with Superman. In fact, obsessed may well be an understatement. Dave pretty much thought he was Superman. He loved to dress up as Superman and even stole my blue tights and red boots I'd outgrown to wear with his Superman Underroos. Plus, our mom, who was a terrific seamstress (a talent she learned from Nana), sewed him the perfect Superman cape. Believe me, this was no made-in-China-falls-apart-after-2-wearings cape. This cape is still around and in good shape 30 years later. I could tell you where it is, but I would never give away Superman's secrets. Where did Dave go to become Superman, you wonder? Like you have to ask. Of course, he went into his "phone booth" formerly known as Dave's bedroom closet. Yes, it had a sign designating it as his phone booth.

Dave ran around the house and neighborhood in full Superman costume anytime he could. In fact, he usually wore part of his costume under real clothes. He simply loved being Superman.

One day when Dave was in pre-school, our mom received a phone call from the teacher to discuss Dave's behavior in class. It seems that day had been a Show and Tell day. When it was his turn, Dave got up appearing to have nothing to show his class. The teachers were at the back of the room, possibly only half paying attention, when all the sudden they heard him announce that he needed to undress to show the class what he'd brought for Show and Tell. In a panic, worried that he was about to disrobe, they flew to the front of the room to prevent him from stripping. Calmly, and unaware of what they were obviously thinking, Dave simply informed them and his class that he just wanted to let everyone know he was Superman (so I guess he had their backs?) and prove it by showing off the Superman costume that he was wearing in its entirety under his street clothes (a la Clark Kent?). Unconvinced, they did not allow him to show off his alter-ego.

I wish I could show you pictures of Dave in costume, but I don't have any pictures that are scanned. Believe me, if I had them, I'd post them. They're that good.

I tell you this story because yesterday, there was a feature on Huffington Post titled "Punished for Being Awesome? The Most Ridiculous Detention Slips of All Time" and it was complete with pictures. Offenses ranged from a student correcting a teacher's error in front of the class to a student receiving oral sex from another student. Yes, really. My favorite, however, was the detention slip pictured below. I honestly have to believe it may have been written for Dave about 30 years too late. What kind of teacher gives Superman a detention, anyway?

Funny Funny Kids

picture from Amazon.com

Are you old enough to remember Art Linkletter's House Party and the segment "Kids Say the Darndest Things"? Somehow, just letting kids be kids, they said the absolute funniest things. Although I never saw it as a kid (I'm not that old), my mom had a book of the same name and to this day, I love to sit down with it and have a great chuckle. If you've never seen Art's terrific show, I hope you'll enjoy this tribute video. (ignore the clock at the beginning)

My absolute favorite was the little girl who described her perfect man (who was a mix of a sugar daddy who let her have 22 kids and never put up a fight) and then said she wanted to be a nun when she grew up.

The fact is that this never changes. 50 years later, kids simply say the darndest and funniest things when we give them the chance.

You'll recall the story of Dave asking our Dad if he could have Herpes when he was about 8. Although I guess the funniest part of that story is our Mom's explanation of Herpes. If you haven't read the story, go read it. You'll have a great laugh.

Today I found a wonderful collection of kid-isms that I am confident you'll enjoy. Do your kids say wonderfully funny things? Feel free to share them in the comments.

"My Daddy Had A Hysterectomy" And Fun Other Things Kids Say
by the editors at ParentDish, Apr. 7, 2010

Sometimes shocking, at times embarrassing and almost always hilarious, we're never quite sure what's going to come out of our kids' mouths. ParentDish asked parents who contribute to Seed.com, AOL's Web site for freelance writers and photographers, to share the best sound bites they've heard from the younger generation.

Here are some of the howlers.

Debby Hall:

1. "My Daddy has to have a hysterectomy." (He was having hemmorhoid surgery.)

2. "Boys have a penis and girls have a china."

3. "When I die, I want to live with Jesus in his apartment."

4. "My teacher is old. She's the same as you."

5. "I love Gammy because she smells like the old days."

6. "My mom has striped hair." (Her mother has a weave in her hair.)

7. "I can have two childs because I have two testicles"

8. " Mommy, did you know that your underwear won't flush down the toilet?"

9. "When it gets dark it's because God turned out the lights so he could sleep"

10. "I like those lines on your face."

Kelsey G. Price:

1. "Mommy, Daddy's boss is a moron! That's what Daddy said!"

2. "Hello, 911? Hi, cop lady!"

3. "The teacher said I have listening problems, but I think she has problems teaching."

4. "Can I have this toy? It only costs five easy payments of $39.95."

5. "My baby sister ate my homework. She ate tomorrow's homework too."

6. "Mommy, please get off the phone, and wipe my butt!"

7. "I just wanted to see how much toilet paper would actually fit in the toilet."

8. "Hey, Dad, can you help me with my advanced mathematical scientific equations worksheet?" (This is for fifth grade?)

9. "Can I borrow the car tonight? I promise I won't hit anybody. Again."

10. "How does Santa Claus fit through the chimney? He's too fat!"


Suzanne Chalma Olive Hansen:

1. "Nana, I smell something ... I (leaning closer) think it's you."

2. "Mom, what happened to Bridget's penis? Did you leave it in your tummy?"

3. "Mommy, can I push the button on your butt?"

4. "At Sunday school I learned that God named all the animals and you know what? He got them all right!"

5. "Mom, I can't go to school today, I have the hiccups. And if I go to school with the hiccups, then all my friends will get the hiccups!

6. "Mama, how many times do I have to tell you that it's not my fault if I don't learn anything? It's the school's problem if they're not going to teach me anything!"

7. "Mom, if you let me watch TV, I will give you 10,000 bucks and a million kisses. I will EVEN give you 4,010 million hugs too, and I will tell you some jokes. How about that?"

8. "Oh, it is not human, Mom, it is a bird!" (After being told it's humid outside.)


Kelly Brooks-Bay:

1. "You are not the Easter Bunny because you smell funny and I can see your real hair coming out of your bunny head."

2. "Mommy, if those trees are naked, how come I can't see their butts."

3. "Everything is for sale, even my mom if the price is right, that is what daddy said."

4. "My face is ruined. How will I ever be chosen for American Idol? Simon will think I am hideous." (After a tiny scratch on her face.)

5. "Could I bleed to death?" (from a little girl being told about menstrual cycles.)

6. "You should always give someone a compliment, especially your teacher, even if it's a lie and she is really the wicked witch."

7. "Mom, I am feeding the bushes -- like Daddy did last night." (You can imagine what she was doing.)

8. "You can get away with the best stuff when we have a substitute teacher."

9. "Do you think my mom would notice if I packed up my twin brothers and sent them to China?"

10. "I can always tell when my teacher is mad. She gets real loud, turns red and doesn't blink."

Karyn Howard:

1. "You don't look anything like Commander Rabb on JAG. My mommy says he's hot." (Said to a gentleman in the Navy wearing his dress blues.)

2. "Wow, Grandma, my mommy said if your butt gets any bigger, you will have to put a wide load sign on it"

3. "Oh, yit!"

4. "Boy, your house smells funny. You should buy some air fresheners."

5. "My baby brother has a tiny wiggle. Mine is medium, but you should see my dad's. It's ginormous!"

6. "Can we say a prayer for my mommy? She couldn't come to church today because she had a operation so she won't have any more babies."

7. "I didn't know ladies could have a mustache. Cool!"

8. "Excuse me sir, when you toot, you are supposed to say excuse, and it's gross to do it in my face."

9. "Can you send help? My baby brother is choking, and my mommy is beating on him." (to a 911 dispatcher.)

It's a Presidential Reunion!

Because it's Friday, I thought it would be fun to enjoy some hysterical Funny or Die videos.

I love Funny or Die!

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

Here's a behind-the-scenes look at the Presidential Reunion.

President's Reunion Behind the Scenes - watch more funny videos

Check out all the cool people involved in this project! Dana Carvey, Jim Carrey, Ron Howard, Maya Rudolph, Will Ferrell, and more!

Dana Carvey is by far the funniest former president.

Dana Carvey Dream Sequence: A Presidential Reunion Extended Scene from Dana Carvey

People of Walmart

Remember the fun we had a couple of weeks ago at Awkward Family Photos? Well, with a hat tip to AmericaBlog, today, Little Merry Sunshine brings you People of Walmart.

No need to thank me. The fact that I can hear your laughter all the way from where ever you are in the world is thanks enough.

Open Letter to Betsey & Ross

My mom's friend Jane sent this to me tonight. I have to say, it was brilliant of Jane to email it. Betsey and Ross are in need of some new rules, so I'm posting this over their food dishes, above their litter boxes, and at cat nose level on the refrigerator.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who authored it. If you know, please let me know and I'll give credit where credit is due.

Feel free to use it with your pets.

Dear Betsey and Ross:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Let's make a deal: I won't eat your food and you don't eat mine.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

Speaking of beds, from time to time, God willing, I may have company in mine. No, I do not need your pre-approval. I also do not need your supervision. Really.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like Betsey and Ross a lot more than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.
   

Love,

Mom

Life Imitates Art or Check Your Facebook Settings NOW!

Remember the song "Escape - The Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes from the mid-1970s? You don't? I'm the only one who likes super-cheesy screwed up love songs from the 1970s? Oh, okay. You don't have to admit it.

Anyway, if you honestly don't remember or you weren't born then, let me refresh your memory. "Escape - The Pina Colada Song" is about a man who is bored in his marriage. Sitting in bed one night, he opens up the paper to the personals (These were in the Classifieds section of the newspaper, for all you young whippersnappers, and were the 1970s version of Match.com.) and found an ad that piqued his interest. The woman sounded perfect. She was everything that was missing from his marriage. He wrote a letter to the woman and set up a date to meet her at a bar. When he walked in to the bar, sitting on a barstool was his wife. Needless to say, it brought some magic back into their marriage, which is more than I would think would happen in real life, which it kind of did . . .

Fast forward to 2009. A husband and wife are both registered on Facebook and one day the husband opens up his Facebook account to see a sidebar ad for "Hot Singles Near You!" The picture in the ad? His wife. Oops.

Now this isn't a story about a wife (or husband) looking for love in all the wrong places (yep, I'm gonna squeeze in every single cheesy 1970s song reference I can!). It's actually a story about Facebook privacy settings. Check yours. You may be unwittingly allowing Facebook to use your picture in their ads, like the wife in this story. She had failed to pay attention to her Facebook settings and allowed Facebook to use pictures of her in their ads that were shown to her friends.

Personally, I don't want Facebook to do that with my pictures. I don't want to be endorsing things I'm not really endorsing. So I've opted-out of all Facebook ads and so should you. I mean, what if that happened to you and your boss saw it? It's probably not the message you want to send, even mistakenly. It's simple really. Just 6 short steps.

How to opt-out of Facebook ads:

1. Click Settings at the top right of your screen;
2. Choose Privacy;
3. Select News Feed and Wall;
4. Then Facebook Ads;
5. Almost done when you check Appearance in Facebook Ads;
6. Finally choose No one.

Fortunately, in this real life scenario, both the husband and wife had a decent sense of humor. It could have turned out badly.

Dad, Can I Have Herpes?

Tomorrow (April 11) would be my parents' 39th wedding anniversary, but they got divorced when I was 12. Although most of my childhood memories of my parents are of them individually, I do have quite a few memories of us as a complete family. The following story is one of those memories and I thought it appropriate to share it today. So happy would-be anniversary Mom & Dad. And thanks for always being able to talk to Dave and me about anything at any time.

"Dad, can I have herpes?" an 8-year old Dave asked one night during dessert.

"No, you can't," was my dad's immediate and firm response.

From across the kitchen, my mom pipes up, "I hate to correct you, especially in front of the kids, John, but I think it's important to answer their questions about sex openly and honestly. If they're asking questions, we should have the courage to answer them, even if it's a bit uncomfortable for us."

With that, Mom walked back over to the table, and dove right into a lecture about Herpes Simplex 1 and 2. Dad looked horrified.

"First of all," she began, ignoring the dismayed look on Dad's face, "there are two kinds of Herpes. Herpes Simplex 1 are little sores you can get in your mouth or on your lips. Sometimes these are called canker sores or fever blisters. Just about everyone gets them at some point in their life, even you."

My dad starts to interrupt her, but she's on a roll. "Herpes Simplex 2 is the same kind of little sores, but they are on your private parts."

Dad, Dave and I are now looking at her as if she's got 2 heads, but she continues. "So, while I hope you never get the second kind of Herpes, the answer to your question is that yes, you can get Herpes."

At this point, my dad who would not ever discuss sex with us, was bright red and probably wished he was not still sitting at the table. None of us could contain ourselves and exploded in laughter.

Finally, Dave regains his composure and says "Mom, I just wanted to know if I could have her piece of cake since Jessica didn't want dessert! But I don't want it anymore."

The Brawl of the Century: Stewart v. Cramer

This is what you've been waiting for all week.

Here's how it began.

Now Jim Cramer finally comes on The Daily Show to answer for his sins. My only question is why can't our mainstream media do indepth pieces like this? Why can't or won't they ask the tough questions? Why do they let folks off the hook? Thank God John Stewart is beholden to no one.

Here's the entire unedited video.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Intro - Brawl Street: Get Ready to Buy Low! And Sell Die

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Interview Outtake Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Interview Outtake Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Interview Outtake Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

Yes, I know I talk about Betsey and Ross far too often on Little Merry Sunshine. So sue me.

This post isn't about them. It's about cat ownership in general. Trust me, even if you've never owned a cat or can't stand cats, the following video will make you laugh out loud.

John Stewart vs. Rick Santelli

Don't mess with John Stewart and The Daily Show.

Rick Santelli of CNBC was supposed to be on The Daily Show last night, but CNBC nixed that after Santelli's recent rant against President Obama and the firestorm that has occurred. John Stewart then lit into Santelli, Jim Kramer, and all of CNBC.

While it was depressing to see just how far we've fallen over the last 2 years, Stewart, as always, was spot on and the result was hilarious.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Score one for John Stewart and The Daily Show. Rick Santelli, the ball is in your court.

Update: Read "What Battered Newsrooms Can Learn from Stewart's CNBC Takedown" by Will Bunch on the Huffington Post.

Windy City Temperature Conversion Chart

I freely admit I stole this from my college friend Steve over on Facebook. I don't know if he personally wrote it or if he got it somewhere else, but it doesn't matter. It's hysterical because it's true.

The Windy City Temperature Conversion Chart

60° F: Arizonians shiver uncontrollably; people in Chicago are still sunbathing. Especially today, when we may shattering a 133-year old record!

50° F: Californians try to turn on the heat; people in Chicago plant gardens.

40° F: Italian sports cars won't start; people in Chicago drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes; Lake Michigan water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats; people in Chicago throw on a light jacket.

15° F: People in Chicago have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Phoenix die. Chicagoans close the windows.

10° below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico . The Girl Scouts in Chicago are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates; people in Chicago get out their winter coats.

40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air; people in Chicago let the dogs sleep indoors.

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole; Chicagoans get frustrated because they can't start "da car."

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale); people in Chicago start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500° below zero: Hell freezes over; the Cubs win the World Series