Thursday, November 14, 2013

My Week Just Keeps Getting Better and Better

I just checked my work email (don't lecture me because you do it at night too) and discovered that I never have to work again.

It seems that I've come into a boatload of money. By boatload, I mean a boat the size of three aircraft carriers. I am about to be a $30 millionaire! That's right.

Now, frankly, this happens to me on a regular basis. In 2013 alone, I've been the recipient of at least three or four $10 million plus inheritances from complete strangers who have somehow come across my work email address. Most of them say they're contacting me because they believe me to be a Good Christian, but tonight's benefactor seems to be okay with the fact that I'm just a plain old sinful heathen. He just wants to give me this money.

And I'm perfectly willing to accept it.

Here's the letter I received tonight. Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to be jealous of my incredible fortune. I've redacted Mr. Chen's email address so you can't attempt to get your paws on any of my money.
Good Day, 
I found your email discreetly during my personal search for a reliable partner that can be trusted to have this transaction done with me,someone who can assist me in this great time of need, someone who can help me out with this transaction. My name is Mr. Chen Jiang, I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer and an investment he placed under our banks management. 
On November 6, 2003, a British Oil consultant/contractor with the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, Made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US $30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million United States Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. 
After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation that he died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless. I therefore made further investigation and discovered that he did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US $30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million United States Dollars) is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it. 
I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information, will be of great benefit for both of us, I will give you good update as regards this transaction as soon as you notify your interest. I hope to read from you, thank you. 
I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin of USD $30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million United States Dollars). The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 50% for me and 50% for you. 
There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via my private email address: 
Awaiting your urgent reply via my private email address:  
Obviously, this is a fully legitimate offer*. I mean, Mr. Chen tells me that his "position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution" of the transaction. So I sent off all my personal information immediately.

*This is definitely NOT a legitimate offer and should you receive offers like this, I strongly encourage you to delete them immediately. The old adage of "it sounds too good to be true" is completely true when it comes to emails like this. They are always scams. Never never never send these people your name and address. And under no circumstances whatsoever should you ever send them your bank account information. You will not receive any money and stand to lose whatever money you have with non-existent odds of getting it back.

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