An Open Letter to Betsey and Ross

Dear Betsey and Ross,

I appreciate that you've both had a difficult month.

Betsey was sick and we thought she had cancer. She was poked and prodded, x-rayed and ultrasounded. She's lost over 10% of her body weight, stopped eating, peed blood, stopped pooping, had exploding diarrhea and puked on every flooring surface in the house (and even some furniture), and had to adjust to new food. She's had her belly shaved by perfect strangers and had their fingers up her butt, which, for the record, she does not like one bit.

And during it all, Ross took it like a man and licked his underarms bald.

And, of course, you both turned 14. You're sullen teenagers, I get it.

I've dealt with the sleepless nights, late night visits to the ER vet, the ridiculous amount of money I spent, and not complained once about the diarrhea or puke I've stepped in more than once . . . barefoot. I've cleaned it all up, happily, thinking to myself, "at least she's eating again."

But Betsey is fine. She does not have cancer. She has hyperthyroidism and cystitis. Both chronic and manageable and relatively inexpensive to treat.

So now that we're past the trauma of it all and you're both going to live many more healthy years, can we please, for the love of God, return to using the litter box exclusively? Again, I understood that exploding diarrhea and throwing up cannot be controlled easily, but now that we're past that, let's get back to our normal routine and quit ruining the carpets.

Despite what you both obviously believe, I do not live to simply care for you. I have my own life, run a business, sit on two Boards, volunteer, have a social life, date, write, and garden, just to name a few of the things that keep me busy.

I love you both very much, but my patience is wearing thin on this matter.

Love,

Your mom

P.S. If you could not claw my eyes out in my sleep tonight, that would be great.

Response from Betsey and Ross:

Quit your whining and get back to work! We rule this house, not you. And go buy some more catnip! NOW! We are CATS. You knew what you were in for when you adopted us. We don't take attitude from anyone, especially you. Oh, and scratch our bellies til we purr please.