My Favorite Things

This isn't exactly the version of My Favorite Things that I was looking for. I was hoping to find the video of that terrific scene in The Sound of Music where Maria is singing My Favorite Things with the kids in her bedroom during the thunderstorm and they're all dancing around until the Captain interrupts them. Unfortunately, I didn't find it.

I love My Favorite Things because it always makes me smile and cheers me up, which I need tonight after the day week month I've had. Listening to it tonight dried up my most recent tears, for a few minutes anyway.

As I explained to my grief counselor last week, I just want to feel like me again. She explained to me that I won't ever really go back there. Grief changes us. So a new me will emerge. Okay, but when? When will it stop being so hard to find a smile? When will I stop being sad all the time, except for when I pretend I'm not? When will I be able to stop pretending I'm okay and I'm happy for real?

I know there are no answers to my questions except that time heals all wounds. But I want answers. I guess I'll settle for a few minutes of smiling every now and again and hope that the distance between now and again diminishes over time.