The Menopause: What Your Momma Never Told You

Disclaimer: Mom, This post is not meant to be disrespectful to you in any way, shape, or form. Nothing in it is a reference to you and the talks we shared once upon a time about my changing body and reproduction. Those talks were excellent and you gave me all the information that was appropriate for my 8-year-old me to know. We continued to speak about it as I grew up, and for that, I'm grateful. You always gave me factual and truthful information. At no time did you attempt to convince me that babies were brought into the word via the sacred belly button. Any information you failed to give me, I earnestly believe you did not know. And how could you? It's not as if Nana ever gave you "the birds and the bees" talk. And Lord knows she never spoke to you about The Menopause. Disclaimer Ends.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Did your Momma have "the talk" with you when your body started changing? The one about where babies came from? The one about what's happening to your body, why you're changing in ways you never imagined, and why hygiene is now more important than ever? Mine did. I'm sure yours did too.

As useful as that talk was, let's face it, we could have all learned that stuff where God intended - at slumber parties with our girlfriends who passed down the "knowledge" they learned from their older sisters and in the backseat of Jake Ryan's Red Porsche. We'd have been just fine thank you very much.

But, what would have been incredibly useful and what we aren't going to figure out on our own very easily (or in the backseat of Jake's Porsche) is about that fun time in our later years, when our ovaries become senile and when we mourn the loss of our child producing years. That's right, it would have been super helpful if our Mamma's had talked to us about The Menopause.

Fortunately for you, my dear reader, I realize how important this knowledge is for you, your loved ones, and your changing body.

To that end, I've secured this educational video from 1953 that was created to train doctors on treating women experiencing the malady known as The Menopause.  My favorite parts? The ominous music at the beginning left me expecting a knife wielding stranger stabbing me in the shower. I also loved the fact that the movie is narrated by a man because, let's face it, if anyone is an expert on what the female body is doing, it's a man. Finally, I'm really touched by the treatment methods that include sedation for women experiencing The Menopause.

Because the full 22-minute video is so graphic, the video below is the 5-minute highlight reel. It's R rated in a couple places, so be careful if you're watching it at work. If you want to see the full video, click here, but keep in mind that it's NSFW.



I hope this training video makes you more comfortable with your changing body and hormones and that you're now better prepared to experience The Menopause. If it doesn't, may I recommend a stiff drink? I plan to get through The Menopause, when it arrives in a decade or two, by medicating with wine. If you're the loving partner of a woman going through The Menopause, run.

I wish I could say that in the past 60 years, we've come a long way baby, but that would be a lie. Given all the attempts to turn back the clock on women's reproductive health care rights in the Red States, I'm not sure we've progressed at all.

Those Crazy Teenage Years . . .

. . . were made so much easier with John Hughes' films.

Pretty in Pink. Sixteen Candles. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The Breakfast Club.

These movies are woven into the fabric of my teen years. I can quote them with ease, just like everyone else who came of age in the 1980s.

My experience may have been just a little different though.

All of the John Hughes movies were filmed around Chicago in a town named Shermer, Illinois. Shermer doesn't exist, but John Hughes grew up in the North Shore Chicago suburb of Northbrook and graduated from Glenbrook North High School on Shermer Road.

The church used for the wedding in Sixteen Candles is Glencoe Union Church in Glencoe, another North Shore town, is the church my Gardner grandparents were members of for years, my Aunt Barb and Uncle Jeff were married there, and my grandparents' ashes are buried there in the memorial garden. And just like Anthony Michael Hall's character, I've made out in the park across the street from the church. (It was years ago and I won't tell you with whom). Every girl loved and lusted after Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles in high school. My 2-year high school boyfriend looked just like him. Yes, I was a lucky girl.


Sixteen Candles - Final Scene - Movie Ending - The most amazing home videos are here

Ferris Bueller's Day Off . . . I don't even know where to begin. We all wished we'd had a friend like Ferris who would push us to take chances and have more fun than we ever imagined, but somehow never really got caught. Ferris taught us all the most important lesson of them all. "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."



Freshman year at Lake Forest College, there was a woman who lived next door to me who looked almost exactly like Mia Sara (Sloan Peterson, Ferris' girlfriend). The rumor mill around campus was that it was her, but it wasn't.

Who among us couldn't identify with the characters of The Breakfast Club? The jock, the misfit, the nerd, the princess, the wastoid. They were each of us and we were each of them. They taught us that no matter what clique we belonged to, there was far more than united us than divided us.

Yes, these were the movies of my youth. The movies I watch over and over and over again no matter how many times I've seen them, how old I get, how many curse words are bleeped, or how many commercials I must suffer through. John Hughes' films told us we were normal and that the angst we all experienced wasn't unique to us and our individual social standing.

When I worked at Lake Forest Food and Wine in Lake Forest during college, John Hughes used to come in all the time. He was the nicest, humblest guy. In fact, I didn't even realize it was him at first until the store owner told me after he'd left the first time. He didn't have that air that of self-importance that highly successful people with gobs of money sometimes have. He was truly an everyman. And he will be missed.