The Menopause: What Your Momma Never Told You

Disclaimer: Mom, This post is not meant to be disrespectful to you in any way, shape, or form. Nothing in it is a reference to you and the talks we shared once upon a time about my changing body and reproduction. Those talks were excellent and you gave me all the information that was appropriate for my 8-year-old me to know. We continued to speak about it as I grew up, and for that, I'm grateful. You always gave me factual and truthful information. At no time did you attempt to convince me that babies were brought into the word via the sacred belly button. Any information you failed to give me, I earnestly believe you did not know. And how could you? It's not as if Nana ever gave you "the birds and the bees" talk. And Lord knows she never spoke to you about The Menopause. Disclaimer Ends.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Did your Momma have "the talk" with you when your body started changing? The one about where babies came from? The one about what's happening to your body, why you're changing in ways you never imagined, and why hygiene is now more important than ever? Mine did. I'm sure yours did too.

As useful as that talk was, let's face it, we could have all learned that stuff where God intended - at slumber parties with our girlfriends who passed down the "knowledge" they learned from their older sisters and in the backseat of Jake Ryan's Red Porsche. We'd have been just fine thank you very much.

But, what would have been incredibly useful and what we aren't going to figure out on our own very easily (or in the backseat of Jake's Porsche) is about that fun time in our later years, when our ovaries become senile and when we mourn the loss of our child producing years. That's right, it would have been super helpful if our Mamma's had talked to us about The Menopause.

Fortunately for you, my dear reader, I realize how important this knowledge is for you, your loved ones, and your changing body.

To that end, I've secured this educational video from 1953 that was created to train doctors on treating women experiencing the malady known as The Menopause.  My favorite parts? The ominous music at the beginning left me expecting a knife wielding stranger stabbing me in the shower. I also loved the fact that the movie is narrated by a man because, let's face it, if anyone is an expert on what the female body is doing, it's a man. Finally, I'm really touched by the treatment methods that include sedation for women experiencing The Menopause.

Because the full 22-minute video is so graphic, the video below is the 5-minute highlight reel. It's R rated in a couple places, so be careful if you're watching it at work. If you want to see the full video, click here, but keep in mind that it's NSFW.



I hope this training video makes you more comfortable with your changing body and hormones and that you're now better prepared to experience The Menopause. If it doesn't, may I recommend a stiff drink? I plan to get through The Menopause, when it arrives in a decade or two, by medicating with wine. If you're the loving partner of a woman going through The Menopause, run.

I wish I could say that in the past 60 years, we've come a long way baby, but that would be a lie. Given all the attempts to turn back the clock on women's reproductive health care rights in the Red States, I'm not sure we've progressed at all.

I'm Cracking the Whip!

Photo of Betty Page from Photobucket.com

Want to hang out in a lesbian, bondage, strip club tonight? Okay. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Yes, really.

Now, it's not that I think strip clubs are fantastic. I don't. I tend to believe they are degrading to women and don't really believe the argument that no one forces the women to work there. But that's really a discussion for another day.

This blog post is about the brand-spanking new GOP sex scandal. Yes, of course, the pun is entirely intended.

Seriously, if you want to visit a strip club, that's really fine by me. Enjoy. Really. It's not really my thing and you won't find me there on a Friday night, but if you want to go, I'm not going to judge you for it.

Unless you spend your time telling me how anything outside of sex for pro-creative purposes in the missionary position and strictly within the confines of a heterosexual marriage will send me to Hell.

Then I'm going to call you a hypocrite. Why? Because that's what you are.

If you run around the country, television cable channels, and/or the internet preaching homosexuality to be an abomination, that gay marriage destroys heterosexual marriage, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin and that women should not have the right to control their bodies and make their own reproductive choices, all while you secretly frequent lesbian, bondage strip clubs, claim to be hiking the Appalachian Trail while really in Argentina with your true love (who is not your wife), cruise for gay sex in airport bathrooms, sleep with your Senate staff member's wife, frequent high-class call girls, sexually abuse children in the name of God and then spend years denying and covering it up, attempt to solicit sex from House pages, and/or your teenage unwed teenage daughter gets pregnant by her teenage boyfriend in spite of your support of abstinence-only education, I just have one thing to say to you:

Shut up.

None of us live perfect lives, but to be running around screaming your morality and superiority from the rooftops, morality you don't even live, is the absolute height of hypocrisy and frankly, makes me more than a little ill.

Seriously, just shut up. Go live your life and let other people live theirs.

Dad, Can I Have Herpes?

Tomorrow (April 11) would be my parents' 39th wedding anniversary, but they got divorced when I was 12. Although most of my childhood memories of my parents are of them individually, I do have quite a few memories of us as a complete family. The following story is one of those memories and I thought it appropriate to share it today. So happy would-be anniversary Mom & Dad. And thanks for always being able to talk to Dave and me about anything at any time.

"Dad, can I have herpes?" an 8-year old Dave asked one night during dessert.

"No, you can't," was my dad's immediate and firm response.

From across the kitchen, my mom pipes up, "I hate to correct you, especially in front of the kids, John, but I think it's important to answer their questions about sex openly and honestly. If they're asking questions, we should have the courage to answer them, even if it's a bit uncomfortable for us."

With that, Mom walked back over to the table, and dove right into a lecture about Herpes Simplex 1 and 2. Dad looked horrified.

"First of all," she began, ignoring the dismayed look on Dad's face, "there are two kinds of Herpes. Herpes Simplex 1 are little sores you can get in your mouth or on your lips. Sometimes these are called canker sores or fever blisters. Just about everyone gets them at some point in their life, even you."

My dad starts to interrupt her, but she's on a roll. "Herpes Simplex 2 is the same kind of little sores, but they are on your private parts."

Dad, Dave and I are now looking at her as if she's got 2 heads, but she continues. "So, while I hope you never get the second kind of Herpes, the answer to your question is that yes, you can get Herpes."

At this point, my dad who would not ever discuss sex with us, was bright red and probably wished he was not still sitting at the table. None of us could contain ourselves and exploded in laughter.

Finally, Dave regains his composure and says "Mom, I just wanted to know if I could have her piece of cake since Jessica didn't want dessert! But I don't want it anymore."

Happy Valentine's Day & Happy National Condom Week!

Planned Parenthood and I wish you and your significant other a very romantic Valentine's Day and safe National Condom Week!

And just in case you don't know how to use a condom for anything other than balloon animals, watch the video below: