The Menopause: What Your Momma Never Told You

Disclaimer: Mom, This post is not meant to be disrespectful to you in any way, shape, or form. Nothing in it is a reference to you and the talks we shared once upon a time about my changing body and reproduction. Those talks were excellent and you gave me all the information that was appropriate for my 8-year-old me to know. We continued to speak about it as I grew up, and for that, I'm grateful. You always gave me factual and truthful information. At no time did you attempt to convince me that babies were brought into the word via the sacred belly button. Any information you failed to give me, I earnestly believe you did not know. And how could you? It's not as if Nana ever gave you "the birds and the bees" talk. And Lord knows she never spoke to you about The Menopause. Disclaimer Ends.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Did your Momma have "the talk" with you when your body started changing? The one about where babies came from? The one about what's happening to your body, why you're changing in ways you never imagined, and why hygiene is now more important than ever? Mine did. I'm sure yours did too.

As useful as that talk was, let's face it, we could have all learned that stuff where God intended - at slumber parties with our girlfriends who passed down the "knowledge" they learned from their older sisters and in the backseat of Jake Ryan's Red Porsche. We'd have been just fine thank you very much.

But, what would have been incredibly useful and what we aren't going to figure out on our own very easily (or in the backseat of Jake's Porsche) is about that fun time in our later years, when our ovaries become senile and when we mourn the loss of our child producing years. That's right, it would have been super helpful if our Mamma's had talked to us about The Menopause.

Fortunately for you, my dear reader, I realize how important this knowledge is for you, your loved ones, and your changing body.

To that end, I've secured this educational video from 1953 that was created to train doctors on treating women experiencing the malady known as The Menopause.  My favorite parts? The ominous music at the beginning left me expecting a knife wielding stranger stabbing me in the shower. I also loved the fact that the movie is narrated by a man because, let's face it, if anyone is an expert on what the female body is doing, it's a man. Finally, I'm really touched by the treatment methods that include sedation for women experiencing The Menopause.

Because the full 22-minute video is so graphic, the video below is the 5-minute highlight reel. It's R rated in a couple places, so be careful if you're watching it at work. If you want to see the full video, click here, but keep in mind that it's NSFW.



I hope this training video makes you more comfortable with your changing body and hormones and that you're now better prepared to experience The Menopause. If it doesn't, may I recommend a stiff drink? I plan to get through The Menopause, when it arrives in a decade or two, by medicating with wine. If you're the loving partner of a woman going through The Menopause, run.

I wish I could say that in the past 60 years, we've come a long way baby, but that would be a lie. Given all the attempts to turn back the clock on women's reproductive health care rights in the Red States, I'm not sure we've progressed at all.

Are You Tired of Voice Mail Hell?

Have you become convinced that endless automated phone systems are one of Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and that actual customer service provided by a human being died sometime in the 1990s?

Yesterday, I discovered a website designed around the radical premise of connecting people with people when calling for customer service.

Now I haven't actually tried any of the phone numbers listed on the site, but I've spent some time searching the site and am pleasantly surprised at how much information is available, complete with reviews, average wait times, and other short cuts.

The next time I have to call a company to hook up cable, turn on electricity, handle a mobile phone problem, or even put a vacation stop on my newspaper, I'll be visiting GetHuman.com.

Try it and let me know what you think.

Do You Have a Need for Speed?*

Officers Poncherello and Baker and Sgt. Getraer will not be this "CHIPper" when they pull you over.

If you've got a need for speed and you're driving in Illinois, you'd better have a wallet overflowing with cash because starting September 15th, giving into that need is going to cost up to 60% more.

Here's a small breakdown of the increased fines, thanks to NBC5Chicago and ABC7.

• Get a ticket for speeding up to 20 mph over the posted speed limit and you'll pay $120 (up from $75 - that's a 60% increase!);
• If your lead foot is going 21-30 mph over the speed limit, you'll be out $140 (up from $95 - a 50% increase);
  
• And if you're doing your best Dale Earnhardt impression going 31-40 mph over the limit (and the cops can catch you), you'll be $160 poorer (up from $105 - a 52% increase);
  
• No seat belt? That'll cost you $60 (up from $55); and
• If you're caught driving on a suspended license or if you permit someone to drive under the influence, starting September 15th, you'll pay $1500 (a $500 increase).
  

So remember kids: always buckle up, drive the speed limit, stay off the roads when a court orders you to, and always have a designated driver if your night includes alcohol, no matter what the fines are. Don't be like Sammy Hagar; drive 55 and stay alive.

*Apologies to Goose and Maverick from Top Gun. In spite of it clearly being 70s and 80s day at LMS, this is a very serious topic.

It's Time to Fall Back!

Tonight is the end of Daylight Saving Time and the start of Standard Time or as we, at Little Merry Sunshine, prefer to call it "Night 24/7" because by the end of November, the sun will rise at 6:57am and set at 4:20pm leaving only approximately 9 hours of possible daylight.

What this means tonight is that you need to turn back your clocks 1 hour before you go to bed or you will oversleep for church or your other Sunday morning plans.

It is also highly recommended that tonight or tomorrow you also check the batteries in your smoke detectors. Personally, we change the batteries in our smoke detectors every 6 months and that's what we recommend here at Little Merry Sunshine.

We don't take the possibility of fire lightly because our house burned down in 1982. Everyone in the Little Merry Sunshine family got out okay because the fire was in the middle of the day. At the time, we only had one smoke detector located near the bedrooms. The fire started in the garage and spread to the attic. Had the fire happened at night, I don't know that we would have been so lucky because the lone smoke detector did not go off until the firemen were on the roof with chainsaws.

So change the batteries in your smoke detectors and have multiple detectors throughout your home.

And don't forget to change your clocks!

Public Service Announcement: Scam/Fraud Alert

I recently signed up to receive an email about crime in my town through Citizen Observer. I did this because of a rash of attacks against women while out running or walking in my neighborhood (sorry Mom, I know I didn't tell you about this, but you've got enough going on without worrying about this too!). What's really cool about Citizen Observer is that they work with many towns, so I encourage you to go look up your town.

Today I received the email below. While this scam was attempted in my town, it could easily have happened in any town, so I wanted to put you, my faithful readers, on alert. It sounds a lot like the Nigerian email scam, only this scam happened through the U.S. mail, which could make it a Federal crime.

Arlington Heights - Scam/Fraud Alert through the U.S. Mail

Arlington Heights resident received a suspicious check from Life Investors Insurance Company of America. The check was attached to a letter from Readers Digest explaining the resident was a prize winner and should cash the check before contacting one of the listed names on the letter. The resident called the number provided and spoke with a male subject who told them to cash the check and call back for further instructions. The resident contacted Readers Digest who advised that no letter or check was mailed. The check was never cashed and the incident was reported to the Arlington Heights Police Department.

Typically the offender will send a counterfeit check to the victim and make up some kind of story about where the money came from. The victim is told to cash the check and send a portion back to the offender for some service or processing fee. The bank eventually finds out the check is counterfeit and the victim is responsible for the amount cashed. The loss to the victim is the amount sent back to the offender.

There are numerous frauds/scams being used against unwary people. They all offer you some type of financial or personal gain that is too good to be true. Do not let yourself be caught in their traps.