Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Open Letter to Betsey & Ross

My mom's friend Jane sent this to me tonight. I have to say, it was brilliant of Jane to email it. Betsey and Ross are in need of some new rules, so I'm posting this over their food dishes, above their litter boxes, and at cat nose level on the refrigerator.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who authored it. If you know, please let me know and I'll give credit where credit is due.

Feel free to use it with your pets.

Dear Betsey and Ross:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. Let's make a deal: I won't eat your food and you don't eat mine.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

Speaking of beds, from time to time, God willing, I may have company in mine. No, I do not need your pre-approval. I also do not need your supervision. Really.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets:
  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.
  3. I like Betsey and Ross a lot more than I like most people.
  4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.


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