Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Re-Post: Positions I'd Like in a McCain Administration

I am reposting this from earlier in the month because it kind of got lost in the shuffle with my multiple posts per day. I've also updated it with a new job I'd like.

In a completely unprecedented move, I've decided to stop picking apart all the reasons Sarah Palin is unqualified for the position of Vice President.

Instead, I'm going to look at the bright side.

By choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain has shown that he is open to non-traditional experiences as qualifications for major roles in his administration. And as such, I'd like to toss my hat into the ring for a number of positions in a John McCain administration.

Secretary of Commerce: I love to shop. And I can haggle. I clip coupons and strategically decide where I will spend my money based on where I can get the most value.

Secretary of Education: I have a BA in Psychology from Lake Forest College, where I graduated. In high school, I was a member of the National Honor Society, a member of the Debate Team, a Cheerleader, and I played the flute in the Marching Band (and no, I did not have any band camp experiences). I can read, but McCain should know up front I failed Multivariable Calculus (I'm revealing this now because I want to avoid any possible scandals). While I'm admitting this character flaw now, in the future you can expect to hear me say that Multivariable Calculus failed me and blame it on the class itself, rather than my own shortcomings. Oh, I also now live around the corner from an elementary school. Finally, when I babysat in high school and college, I never left any children behind.

Attorney General: I am a former litigation legal assistant and have the correct opinion about everything, so this would be a huge cost savings for the Federal Government because we could eliminate the useless and wasteful Supreme Court. Because of my former experience as a litigation legal assistant, I also have extensive knowledge of the DC Circuit Courts, as well as numerous federal courts. Because I am an expert at cite checking, I am second to none in making anything say what I want it to say.

Secretary of Labor: I have never had children, but I do have a uterus. Actually, I have a girlfriend who is currently pregnant with her 2nd child. She's familar with labor, so she might be a better choice. It's nice that we have a whole governmental department dedicated to making childbirth as pleasant as possible.

Secretary of State: As a 3rd grader, I memorized all 50 states. I have also visited or lived in 28 states plus the District of Columbia. Some of them even have a lot of electoral votes, so I definitely bring that to the ticket. My foreign policy experience is extensive. I was in the Bahamas when I was 10. And I drink Russian vodka. And I've seen The Sound of Music more times than I can count. Finally, I survived two years of French in high school.

Secretary of Transportation: I have had a drivers' license for 21 years and am ticket and accident free. I own a car, my 2nd in 21 years. I also took the train on Saturday night. I've flown on a plane countless times, travelled via Amtrak, ridden in a taxi, taken the bus, hopped on a trolley car in San Francisco and successfully navigated the subway systems of both Chicago and Washington DC. I have never carpooled, so that may be a negative.

Secretary of Treasury: With the help of online banking, I balance my two checking accounts daily. I pay my bills and taxes.

Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: My recycling skils are second to none. Daily I separate my paper and plastic. And in junior high, I was a member of the Ecology Club for 3 years and President when I was in 8th grade, so I also have Executive Experience in this area.

I don't know where this would fall, but I've almost memorized all 7 seasons of The West Wing, so I'm intimately familar with the inner-workings of The White House.

Finally, I lived in Washington DC (proper) and Alexandria, VA for 7 years and did all the tours - FBI, White House (in fact, I've even had a private West Wing tour that NO ONE gets - really), Congress, Mt. Vernon, Monticello, Arlington National Cemetary, all the Georgetown bars, and Old Town Trolley Tour of DC. I've also attended church services at the Washington National Cathedral, the theatre at Ford's Theatre, Miss Siagon at the Kennedy Center, and spent many nights drinking at the rooftop bar of the Hotel Washington.

I think that's all I'm qualified for. Vetting is unnecessary. Just like George Bush, anything I have done before I turn 40 is completely out of bounds and off limits. Please let me know.

One more thing, when I'm hired, I'd like Josh Lyman as my deputy chief of staff.

UPDATE: There's one more position I'm certain I'm qualified for:

Surgeon General: One would think that since needles scare the crap out of me and the sight of blood makes me almost pass out, this might not be a good job for me. Maybe it ought to be left for those smart docs in ER or on Grey's Anatomy. One would be wrong. I am highly qualified for this position. As a child, I played Operation and got to be pretty adept at removing the Funny Bone. When I was 11, I had my appendicts removed during emergency surgery (although I guess no one wakes up on a random Tuesday thinking "I'll have my appendicts removed today"). Finally, like the rest of you (except Sarah Palin and her brood), I played Doctor as a kid. Of course, I might have some problems in a McCain Administration. First, I would insist on teaching kids about sex, rather than telling them "a stork puts a baby in Mommy's tummy and that's where you came from" and I'd also tell them that masturbation is okay and normal.

1 comment:

  1. I would like to be Secretary of Commerce, because I can kick the robots on Monopoly World online 3 out of 4 times. I would also not mind being Secretary of the Interior because I enjoy the indoors. Heh


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